This week's topic is one close to my heart and though not strictly sexual, it does deal with sex and emotions.
Mistress Cynnara- Recently, my significant other told me that he was polyamorous and that he wanted me and him to consider adding others to our relationship to make it stronger. I'm not quite sure what it means to be polyamorous. Does this mean that he wants another woman without any strings attached?-- Poly Unsure
Polyamory is defined as the act of loving more than one person. Other definitions cite that it's a relationship between more than two people. Many people think very negatively about polyamory because of the close connotations to polygamy. In the news, we hear so much about the negative aspects, very rarely do you ever hear of it going well. That said, let me recommend a fantastic book that talks indepth about polyamory- Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts by Raven Kaldera. If you're serious about learning about polyamory if you feel that you're hard-wired in such a way-- please, please get this book and really learn more about the lifestyle and all it entails.
This said, I'm hard-wired for both polyamory and monogamy. I'm one of those people who can be happy either way. I think it's somehow linked to my sexual preferences as well. I know many people who are poly-minded and we've talked about what it means to live in a poly relationship that is healthy and unhealthy. I'm going to share some of those items with you here.
Most poly relationships start with one main couple- Male/Female, Male/Male, Female/Female. This is what is called the primary couple. They're happy together and have a loving, caring relationship. That said, perhaps there are aspects where they can't relate to one another or provide the necessary understanding and giving they need in one area or another. So the topic of polyamory is brought up. What happens in this moment is an honest, non-judgmental discussion of needs, desires, and wants. This entails a list of rules to be followed by both people in regards to bringing of another person into the relationship.
Rules are established for a reason- to make both people secure in what's happening and to prevent their relationship from dissolving because of misunderstandings and other problems that do happen when emotions come into play. Some of these rules include that the person they're considering including must meet the other person in the relationship and they must get along and have things in common so it's not just a sexual relationship only. There are also limits on what kind of sex is allowed, if the relationship is sexually charged, what kind of intimate things are/are not acceptable.
These things are important because there's always a period of time in a new relationship that Raven refers to the Shiny New Lover Syndrome and I call "Falling in Love with Love" sensation. It's when you're overcome with everything to do with the new person in your life and you ignore the person you've been with for a long time. This is the most common problem that happens in people who are new to poly or aren't honest to themselves and their partners. They're seeking to fall in love for love's sake, not for any other reason. This is what most of us who have been part of poly relationships caution new ones about- don't forget the lover who was their first- they're truly there for you in the long run. Just as you need reassurance when they bring in a new lover/partner, you need to reassure them of your love and devotion as well.
Secondary relationships- the second partners. Suppose in the relationship each primary partner brings in a partner. These are the secondaries and they're important emotionally bonded to both of the primaries. Though they might not have the full rights as the primaries, they do have rights within a poly relationship. They have the right to talk about problems and introduce solutions as well.
How does this open relationship work in real time? Most poly families have weekly/monthly meetings to talk about how things are going and set up times to spend together-- with both sets- primary and secondary together. In the one poly relationship I was in, We had weekly meetings to talk about problems, schedules, and times for each of us to talk and just have fun. It helped to keep friction to a minimum. Like Kaldera, we used a Talking Stick to help keep things in line without being heated and we encouraged people to write letters to read out loud when there were problems or issues that needed to be calmly discussed.
Problems do and will happen- people feeling left out, or perhaps misunderstandings because of scheduling errors or just feeling that things aren't working out. But the key here is that open, honest communication helps to weed these problems to a minimum. In fact, when it was time for me to leave the poly relationship- I had reached a point in my life, I needed something more-- something I wasn't getting from the person I was involved in or his family, I sat down with them and with my letter explained how I loved them all but that my needs had shifted and though I wanted to be friends with them all, I had to remove myself as the second partner. That even with them, there was something missing that neither were filling for me. Later on in life, I realized it was something that I could only provide, but at that point, I was being honest and not blaming them for what I didn't completely understand. Luckily for me, both of them were fantastic and we still keep in touch even after so many years.
How do you know if you're poly wired? There are questions to ask of yourself. Do you find it hard to keep faithful because you feel there is something more that you need to be fulfilled? Are you wanting something deeper that, even after talking to your partner, it's not coming in through them or through you? If you're only concerned with the sexual aspect, then you're not truly poly-wired, but non-monogamous. Not all poly relationships are based in sex, but also on mutual likes, emotional support and more. I have soul siblings across the globe, but for many people who know me, they hear me refer to my sismines and my brothermines. They are my family, closer to me in some ways than my blood family, but we're a poly family- we're not sexually intertwined, but life wouldn't be the same without each other in our lives.
Polyamory is the concept of many loves- you love your parents differently than your lover, you love your children different than you do your closest friends. The idea here is that you love the people- period. They are part of your family, no boundaries. Yes, in some poly groups, you see people who might have multiple lovers-- but again, it's based with openness- the main "spouses" know where and when and everyone abides by the rules set out by the group.
Not everyone is poly-wired and not everyone is mono-wired. It's a personal declaration and discovery. It can be wonderful if the people are all attracted and open to each other and even if it's not- it's beautiful when it's filled with love and honest communication between all parties.
Until next week- keep dreaming hot, exploring your boundaries and if you have a question- email me at cynnara AT cynnara DOT com.
Always,
Mistress Cynnara (continue reading &aquo;)
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