Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara- Polyamory

This week's topic is one close to my heart and though not strictly sexual, it does deal with sex and emotions.

Mistress Cynnara- Recently, my significant other told me that he was polyamorous and that he wanted me and him to consider adding others to our relationship to make it stronger. I'm not quite sure what it means to be polyamorous. Does this mean that he wants another woman without any strings attached?-- Poly Unsure

Polyamory is defined as the act of loving more than one person. Other definitions cite that it's a relationship between more than two people. Many people think very negatively about polyamory because of the close connotations to polygamy. In the news, we hear so much about the negative aspects, very rarely do you ever hear of it going well. That said, let me recommend a fantastic book that talks indepth about polyamory- Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts by Raven Kaldera. If you're serious about learning about polyamory if you feel that you're hard-wired in such a way-- please, please get this book and really learn more about the lifestyle and all it entails.

This said, I'm hard-wired for both polyamory and monogamy. I'm one of those people who can be happy either way. I think it's somehow linked to my sexual preferences as well. I know many people who are poly-minded and we've talked about what it means to live in a poly relationship that is healthy and unhealthy. I'm going to share some of those items with you here.

Most poly relationships start with one main couple- Male/Female, Male/Male, Female/Female. This is what is called the primary couple. They're happy together and have a loving, caring relationship. That said, perhaps there are aspects where they can't relate to one another or provide the necessary understanding and giving they need in one area or another. So the topic of polyamory is brought up. What happens in this moment is an honest, non-judgmental discussion of needs, desires, and wants. This entails a list of rules to be followed by both people in regards to bringing of another person into the relationship.

Rules are established for a reason- to make both people secure in what's happening and to prevent their relationship from dissolving because of misunderstandings and other problems that do happen when emotions come into play. Some of these rules include that the person they're considering including must meet the other person in the relationship and they must get along and have things in common so it's not just a sexual relationship only. There are also limits on what kind of sex is allowed, if the relationship is sexually charged, what kind of intimate things are/are not acceptable.

These things are important because there's always a period of time in a new relationship that Raven refers to the Shiny New Lover Syndrome and I call "Falling in Love with Love" sensation. It's when you're overcome with everything to do with the new person in your life and you ignore the person you've been with for a long time. This is the most common problem that happens in people who are new to poly or aren't honest to themselves and their partners. They're seeking to fall in love for love's sake, not for any other reason. This is what most of us who have been part of poly relationships caution new ones about- don't forget the lover who was their first- they're truly there for you in the long run. Just as you need reassurance when they bring in a new lover/partner, you need to reassure them of your love and devotion as well.

Secondary relationships- the second partners. Suppose in the relationship each primary partner brings in a partner. These are the secondaries and they're important emotionally bonded to both of the primaries. Though they might not have the full rights as the primaries, they do have rights within a poly relationship. They have the right to talk about problems and introduce solutions as well.

How does this open relationship work in real time? Most poly families have weekly/monthly meetings to talk about how things are going and set up times to spend together-- with both sets- primary and secondary together. In the one poly relationship I was in, We had weekly meetings to talk about problems, schedules, and times for each of us to talk and just have fun. It helped to keep friction to a minimum. Like Kaldera, we used a Talking Stick to help keep things in line without being heated and we encouraged people to write letters to read out loud when there were problems or issues that needed to be calmly discussed.

Problems do and will happen- people feeling left out, or perhaps misunderstandings because of scheduling errors or just feeling that things aren't working out. But the key here is that open, honest communication helps to weed these problems to a minimum. In fact, when it was time for me to leave the poly relationship- I had reached a point in my life, I needed something more-- something I wasn't getting from the person I was involved in or his family, I sat down with them and with my letter explained how I loved them all but that my needs had shifted and though I wanted to be friends with them all, I had to remove myself as the second partner. That even with them, there was something missing that neither were filling for me. Later on in life, I realized it was something that I could only provide, but at that point, I was being honest and not blaming them for what I didn't completely understand. Luckily for me, both of them were fantastic and we still keep in touch even after so many years.

How do you know if you're poly wired? There are questions to ask of yourself. Do you find it hard to keep faithful because you feel there is something more that you need to be fulfilled? Are you wanting something deeper that, even after talking to your partner, it's not coming in through them or through you? If you're only concerned with the sexual aspect, then you're not truly poly-wired, but non-monogamous. Not all poly relationships are based in sex, but also on mutual likes, emotional support and more. I have soul siblings across the globe, but for many people who know me, they hear me refer to my sismines and my brothermines. They are my family, closer to me in some ways than my blood family, but we're a poly family- we're not sexually intertwined, but life wouldn't be the same without each other in our lives.

Polyamory is the concept of many loves- you love your parents differently than your lover, you love your children different than you do your closest friends. The idea here is that you love the people- period. They are part of your family, no boundaries. Yes, in some poly groups, you see people who might have multiple lovers-- but again, it's based with openness- the main "spouses" know where and when and everyone abides by the rules set out by the group.

Not everyone is poly-wired and not everyone is mono-wired. It's a personal declaration and discovery. It can be wonderful if the people are all attracted and open to each other and even if it's not- it's beautiful when it's filled with love and honest communication between all parties.
Until next week- keep dreaming hot, exploring your boundaries and if you have a question- email me at cynnara AT cynnara DOT com.

Always,

Mistress Cynnara (continue reading &aquo;)
Blog Post: Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara- Polyamory http://s3nt.com/4ry

Pagan: Element- Air

Though we can't see this Element, we do see its effect on people, places, and objects. Air-- we can't live without it, and in some ways, it's the closest to Spirit we come. All Elements are dualistic in nature- positive/negative, male/female, but in Air, we find a more distinctly male orientation in this Element.

For many, this Element is one of the mind-- psychic abilities, intelligence, emotion and that of creativity. Air is one we see the results, not necessarily the process it delves into. Because of that, often, it's easier to dismiss this Element as being part of the Spirit-- which it is kin, but not exact.

Just as we did last time, one of the things we need to talk about is the positive and negative effects of this Element. From being able to breathe, to it clearing smog from our path-- Air is a positive thing. It's life encouraging and it encourages creativity in what we can't see with our own eyes. But there's the negative aspect-- writer's block, choking, sandstorms that take away your breath and your skin. Air has some of the most damaging negative aspects because they aren't just physical but also attack the mental and emotional.

So, how do we approach Air in all his glory? For one of my friends, who is aligned to Air as her main Element of power, she has a parent/child relationship. She realizes not just the danger of Air, but also the joy to be had within it. One of the thing she does is regularly spend time with Air in a neutral environment, thus allowing Air to manifest himself in the way he sees fit. Call upon him in a room that has no air current to distract your attention. When he arrives, you'll see a difference in that you might feel a breeze or even perhaps form connections to ideas and thoughts in a way you've never have before.

Lesson to experience Air:

Go outside on a fairly calm day, but where there are fallen leaves, sand on the beach, or even a freshly mowed lawn. The idea is having something outside that you can practice using air to the move the objects in question. Calling upon Air for help, begin focusing your mind on moving the leaves in a forward direction. Visualize the movement, how the wind blows the leaves with a small breeze. Watch for the wind to come help you. Call upon it by name if you know the names of the winds in your area. This lesson will take time and perserverance on your part to achieve it.

Another lesson is to do what's known as automatic writing. Set your circle as you normally do, asking for protection and guidance. Then call upon Air to help you becoming more aware of the creativity of the mind. Using pen and paper, let your mind become blank, then write whatever comes into your mind, allowing Air to guide and direct the thoughts and the writing. By doing this, you'll come into greater connection with Air's creative aspects. (continue reading &aquo;)
Blog Post: Pagan: Element- Air http://s3nt.com/4qs

Saturday, October 25, 2008

History-- Ancient Temple for Sale

http://www.novinite.com/view_news.php?id=97978

If I had the money-- I'd so get it. Cybele is historically very important. More importantly, I'd want to reconstruct the temple and perhaps even bring back a chance to worship Cybele in it. Can you imagine the history you can learn from it?

 

  (continue reading &aquo;)
Blog Post: History-- Ancient Temple for Sale http://s3nt.com/2g0

Friday, October 24, 2008

Flash Fiction- Rousing Shakespeare

I'm a fan of Shakespeare. I have been since I was a young kid and saw Romeo and Juliet. There's something about Iambic Pentameter mixed with all the plot points that make you see yourself in a story. Shakespeare was a genius and one of my favourite scenes is that of the three witches in MacBeth, though I admit-- I have a different idea on how it could've gone. That said-- today's flash is something that hit my mind. It's a shit-and-giggles scene, so nobody get any ideas!!!
Blog Post: Flash Fiction- Rousing Shakespeare http://s3nt.com/10a

Pagan: The Basic of Magick

I was working magick and I realized that some people don't understand the science of magick. Today, we're going to talk a bit about how magick works. Some of the best definitions of I've heard all reduce how magick works to a simple phrase.
Blog Post: Pagan: The Basic of Magick http://s3nt.com/1vy

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara- Fetish Life

This week, we're taking a walk on the wild side of sex. For many people, the word Fetish means something taboo, something to be looked down at, but in reality, we all have our own fetishes--even if we think we're Mary Jane Normal. But let's look at the question that decided this topic for this week.

Mistress Cynnara- I have this thing for women in high heeled leather boots. The look of their legs, the way they stride about in them turns me on. My gf says this means I'm a fetishist, but I tell her I'm not into weird kinky sex. What does it really mean to have a fetish?-- Signed, loving women in boots
Blog Post: Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara- Fetish Life http://s3nt.com/zzy

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Flash Fiction: For Nik

This story is for Nik. Don't ask me how she got it, I think it was because she was online while I started writing the story-- and because she prompted the opening line of the story. LOLOL I have to admit- this story grabbed me, captivated me, and I'm almost done with it-- it's a shorter novella at about 10k. This takes place in the near future or so-- about 100 years after the end of the Mayan calendar. Times have changed and so has the world. Within this world, you'll discover many of the problems of the past are gone, though there are some that still remain, though in less form. But there's a new freedom in sexuality, one that's led to the creation of sex houses and a multi-trillion dollar a year industry that promotes sex as part of good health. Enjoy!
Blog Post: Flash Fiction: For Nik http://s3nt.com/xzk

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara- Rough Sex

I'm sorry I've not been around lately, my health has not been great, so I've been spending many a day and night sleeping and trying to get healthy. But while doing that, I've managed to find that there are a lot of sex questions out there. Some that surprise even me, which means they're on my list to do.

Mistress Cynnara- My SO and I aren't really kinky, but we both enjoy what's commonly called "rough sex". Some of our friends think that we're freaks because we like a bit of rough play in our sex. Are we really freakish? ---- Roughing and Loving

Rough sex can be fun. From role play the fantasy of forced rape (which is never forced) to slightly aggressive "throw me against the wall and fuck me senseless" sex, rough sex is fun and exciting. Most people will tell you that they don't have rough sex all the time-- sometimes you want it soft and romantic, but every once in a while, there's something to be said for being grabbed and taken. But for men, the question becomes "How do you know when the woman wants this rougher sex and how can it be done and still show her how much I love her?"

Rough sex to women is different than rough sex for men. Rough sex for women involves a couple of elements-- being taken/captured, knowing deep inside this person wants to protect you, and knowing that you're that irresistible that they have to make you theirs. Though they're part and parcel of the same though process, there are differences. Being captured is an age old fantasy-- from the early days of erotica and other stories-- even fairytales. Women have wanted to be considered the One to a male or even to another woman. They want to be the one and only (unless they're wired for Polyamory--which is another topic for another day!) and the idea of someone risking it all to take them away from the boring, to take them away from that what represses them is exciting, entrancing and wanted.

One of the great points about rough sex is that physically, it's intense though only limited painful. Normally it consists of those moments you see upon the silver screen or even the small screen of television. The man grabs her arm, spinning her body against the wall, sliding against her, groping her breast, talking naughty to her and ripping her clothes off. At this point, most women are panting and eagerly awaiting the sexual fulfillment of that threat-- hot, rough sex where he must touch you, he must thrust himself deep within you to be sated. When it comes to intercourse, when a woman is turned on, she wants to be pounded with deep thrusts that hit not only her G-spot but throughout her vagina walls, urging her to orgasm.

But what is too rough? Too rough is when the physical aspects go from deep thrusts to pain. When you see that it's getting from the pleasure/pain threshold to pain only. When her body pulls away instead of meeting you in the throes of arousal. Too rough is when you don't follow the rules set out in the forced rape fantasy-- thus removing that element of protection and safeness from the woman. Women have fantasies of rough sex, but once you take away that basic need of being safe and protected, it goes from erotic rough sex to pain and mental anguish.

So, are you normal if you enjoy rough sex? Yes, you are. You enjoy that point where pleasure and pain mix, where the safe and the forbidden touch and where intense physicality is enjoyed when monitored and respected by both parties. Rough sex is both mental and physical in nature and both aspects have to be in balance for it to be enjoyed by both parties.

That's all for this week, and next week, we'll be touching on yet another topic dealing with hot sex, sexuality, and perhaps a bit into the psychology of what sex is all about.

Until next time-- dream hot, speak soft, and demand your orgasms!

Altijd,

Mistress Cynnara

  (continue reading &aquo;)
Blog Post: Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara- Rough Sex http://s3nt.com/w3p