Wednesday, February 11, 2009
It's out! It's out! That's right, my latest book- Cupid Shoots, She Scores is finally out! You can find out more at http://www.loose-id.com/prod-Cupid_Shoots,_She_Scores_-902.aspx
I love this cover and the book. In it are some important dedications to people who helped this book to be the best it could be and there are some people I accidentally left out in the dedication. Without all of you-- I'd never have gotten this book done and THANK YOU!
*goes off to celebrate*
Saturday, February 07, 2009
I realize I'm a bit behind on this week's Mistress Cynnara, and I beg the indulgence. There are reasons, mostly physical, I couldn't handle sitting in a chair for longer than fifteen minutes at a time, or standing for more than ten for the past two days, so I apologize for not getting today's talk done on Thursday.
Mistress Cynnara- You talk about sex and sexuality, but one thing I've not seen talk about is just great, uninhibited sex. No kink, just hot, erotic sex. Is that just out of style now? ---- Curious in Cairo
Monday, February 02, 2009
Altars are not just for human or animal sacrifice. In fact, an altar is for communing in a spiritual manner to the universe and those whom we believe in. Some people have shrines, go to church, etc. Having an altar is a way of bringing the divine home and opening you up to your spirituality.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Today's topic is not a fun one. In fact, it's one of those topics we do not want to spend time on, when we could be having fantastic sex. Yet, at one time or another, everyone gets sick. Sometimes, what happens is that something develops, and it changes everything in how we enjoy or can play in sex. Yes, this topic relates a bit to my other one, but it's also very personal right now.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Let’s hear it for the Dom/me!!
Let’s introduce the Dominant first. The stereotype is either a leather catsuit-clad woman in five inch heeled boots with whip in hand, or the male in leather pants, no shirt, though he may have harness strap-ons, and sometimes wears a mask. Sound familiar at all? According to stereotype, they’re all about control, causing pain, subjugating their submissive until they’re nothing more than pets, right?
Not quite. Not even close in most circumstances. I won’t say there isn’t something to the outfit, but the reasoning—not even close to being correct.
First, let’s talk about what a Dominant is. A male Dominant is referred to as a Dom. With females, they may be called Domme, or Domina. A professional female is usually termed Dominatrix. The male is still called Dom. Dominants are the ones who protect, challenge, correct, and reward their submissives. Normally they choose the scene, role play, setting, toys to be used in a session, and are responsible for taking all precautions for safety. Dom/mes use a variety of means to help a sub reach a state where only the sensations and emotions exist. There is no thought, there is nothing but feeling. This state of being is called subspace. More on that later.
How they bring a submissive to that state varies on the type of Dom/me they are. Not only are there variations in BDSM generally, even the players come in various forms.
Alpha Dominant- In BDSM, the Mighty Alpha Dominant is trusted implicitly by his or her sub(s) for more than just a good time. They are entrusted with fulfillment. When questioned, they respond with whatever answer is appropriate while challenging their submissive(s) to think and better themselves.
The Mighty Alpha Dominant responds rather than reacting (the negative attribute) to situations. S/He is prepared for the worst, celebrates the best and rides things out with a large amount of cool and control. For them, they want to take care of someone, to fix what’s broken and to help a submissive reach subspace and gain personal acceptance.
Though Alpha Dominants are likely to use physicality to emphasize points, it’s not the end all-be-all of their universe. For them, physical assistance, via toys, furniture and the like help get a submissive into a specific frame of mind. But alpha dominants also know that psychology plays a big factor in how they approach a submissive.
Soft Dom/me-- She might be into pain, but probably not. The Sensual or Soft Dominant is just that, a sensual woman or man capable of administering pain (we all are) but preferring to control through other means. She may prefer toys of a lighter nature as her focus is not on the pain but the pleasure. Make no mistake, the goal is still to help a submissive reach subspace and in turn reach Domspace, but more importantly, they choose a different means to bring a submissive to that point.
Most soft Dominants I know, believe in breaking the mind, for the body will follow. What does this mean for the submissive? They are given lessons, rewards and punishments. Within these means, they’re put on what I call sensory overload—until they can only feel and respond without thinking to anything put to them. Alpha Dominants also use this approach, though they don’t exclusively rely upon it.
Notice each has a particular way or style in dealing with submissives. Not all use whips and chains, nor do they take the same approach in what’s called ‘breaking down’ a submissive. They are as unique as each one of us. It’s important to remember that each of us is skilled in different areas. Though some are trained in multiple things, there are some preferential skills over others.
Most Dom/mes have some training with another Dom/me to learn the appropriate techniques and equipment. In many cases Dom/mes must spend time as a submissive to remind them of what a submissive receives. This is something I will stress time and again; if your characters are in the BDSM scene, then this aspect will always be in the Dom/me’s mind. It’s a reminder that they hold power given to them freely and it should not be abused.
When you're learning about BDSM, one thing people will ask you is if you've filled out a Limit List. Where can you find a Limits List? You can find one: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/check_list1.php?Submit=Continue Why is it important? Because whether you are a Dominant or a submissive or a switch, it's important to know your own sexual limits, your own pain limits and what you're interested in. This allows you to know what kind of person you're looking for as well. It helps take the uncertainty of meeting someone when you can sit and talk about your limits and desires in a healthy, responsible manner.
Why do Dom/mes dominate? Do they have to call all the shots? What is it about their makeup that places them in this Alpha position?
So mentioned earlier, Dominants are the leaders, the guides, the ones who push to go further, and who comfort when its time. Domination deals with control of another person—helping them physically, emotionally, and in a sexual manner. Most Dominants I know like being given control. It pleases them that this person has placed their trust in them. They know the sub can use the safe words at any time—but that they are the ones who create an environment that allows both Dom/me and sub to enjoy the sensations and freedom from the everyday things.
Dom/mes need control. To lose it is unthinkable. To abuse it is just as bad. Control is a fine line between pushing for change and acceptance. They also need to feel taken care of as well. Though they are more of the caretaker, they expect the submissive to meet certain things which enhance their time together.
Sarah is a Dominant. She enjoys bondage, caning and some mummification play. What she needs is a submissive who enjoys those things and needs her to give them.
In walks Mike. He’s a submissive who likes being restrained while his Mistress teases him sexually and verbally. He’s not sure about caning, but likes being spanked. They negotiate on the type of humiliation play, so its limited to the teasing you’d experience when you were young.
What can Mike give to Sarah? His obedience to her commands, all of them. Treating her with respect and awe for what she does to teach him and care for him. Mike notices Sarah seems upset and tense one night, so he approaches her, his eyes downcast as he places his hands on her shoulders. Before she speaks, his hands knead the knots as he says, “Forgive me, Mistress, but you looked like you needed this. I want you to be as relaxed, as comfortable as possible.”
He’s taken care of her and is supporting without stepping on her power. Depending on Sarah’s disposition, she’ll either reward the sub’s behavior, punish for breaking the rules, or both. How does this act of affection make Sarah feel?
Safe, cared for, and strong. He’s not tries to fix anything—just offer support and a massage to release tension. One of her base needs—to care for and be cared for—is being met in a way that makes her happy.
I won’t lie that there are a portion of Dominant women who are that way due to their past: abuse, neglect, rape, etc. They don’t ever want to be without control and be weak. Yet many realize that there’s something profoundly comforting in having someone pamper and pleasure you, just because.
Many people will begin asking about the use of various toys and punishment, and say it’s how Dominants get off and subs are trained to take it because the Dominant chooses it. Again, different Dom/mes use different items to teach and train a sub. However, the goal is not to subjugate, but to break down the walls that prevent the submissive from being ‘in the moment’.
Some Dom/mes and subs like pain. They might go into knife play, whips, floggers, and other toys in order to use repetitive low-level discomfort to circumvent the brain, encouraging endorphin release. Others use words, seduction, with an occasional toy used to emphasize or encourage correct behavior.
Dominants like to guide, control and be looked up to. The reasons are varied as to why, but keep in mind that in the private arena of relationships and sexuality, they are leaders. It doesn’t matter that they might be a scatterbrained geek who couldn’t tell anyone off at work, once they’ve crossed the threshold, their words and actions rule.
Now that we’ve covered the Dominants, let’s delve into the world of submission.
(continue reading &aquo;)
Monday, December 01, 2008
Was thinking, the problem I’m having now emotionally is that I seem to have residual feelings of anger that won’t go away like the big stuff has. What can you do to remove the residuals?