Mistress Cynnara- I have this thing for women in high heeled leather boots. The look of their legs, the way they stride about in them turns me on. My gf says this means I'm a fetishist, but I tell her I'm not into weird kinky sex. What does it really mean to have a fetish?-- Signed, loving women in boots
The definition of Fetish has three components:
|1.||an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.|
|2.||any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.|
|3.||Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.|
We're going to mostly talk about the last definition and it's meaning within sexuality and our own sexual experiences. You know those sex quizes from the time we're teens through our adult years-- "What was the first thing you notice about a man/woman that you find attractive?" What they're asking is what your fetish factor is-- from smiles, to feet, to items that are worn-- we're trained to think about what arouses us sexually. Fetishes are deeper progressions from our likes and dislikes. What does this mean for us, sexually?
It means fun times within reason. Now, our male reader asked about his boot fetish-- and yes, it's a fetish. The man gets sexually aroused when he sees a woman in a pair of high-heeled boots. Now, knowing men like this, it makes me aroused knowing that I can get him hot and bothered by wearing an outfit that showcases those boots, making him lose track of his thoughts or what he's doing. By playing into the fetish, if we're lovers, it allows me-- the fetishee, to be treated to an arousal just by what I'm wearing and gives me great pleasure, because he's going to want to be touched by the fetish and more importantly, it's going to give me a chance to role play sexually. WHOO HOO!
I have my own fetish, one that took me years upon years to discover- I love seeing a man collared-- something about a man with a collar on his neck or his cock just gets my body tingling. Part of it was recognizing how the need to be control is part of the psychology of the fetish, the other part is how erotic the scene is before me. Here's a kicker-- women are just as sexy to me in collars. Yes, I have bi-sexual tendencies, but I adore male flesh more, yet the idea of any person in a collar just turns me on. That's the nature of the fetish-- it doesn't really matter WHO is wearing the object or who's body part it is-- what matters is that it clicks a chemical switch within the brain that says-- HUBBA HUBBA, we want THAT!
So, the question is- is fetish a good or bad thing? Depends-- for many people, it's a good thing. It's usually consenual in nature and those involved enjoy the what's created by playing with the fetish in question. When it's not consensual or can cause damage to the person who has the fetish or to others, it's unhealthy and they should seek medical help. Even our AMA has declared that fetishes are not harmful, but a normal part of human sexuality.
What does that mean for sex play though? It means break out the boots, collars, and the short school-girl skirts- it's time to play. That's right, play. Fetishes allow you to engage in role play and sex play that is all about setting up the scenario, putting together the items to be used in arousing each other and setting the boundaries in such a way that both people (or more) get sexual satisfaction from both the fetishes used and the follow-up to the arousal.
Remember, fetish play is something you do together. It's not as much fun when done solo. Perhaps you're seeing someone who has a boot fetish-- call them up, and whisper to them how you're dressing up in a small teddy or some other romantic outfit and sliding on your leather boots-- the black patent leather ones that you've seen him eyeballing. Then tell him to prepare himself for the weekend, when you'll make him kiss and polish your boots until you're satisfied. Be warned, he might be tempted to come over right away to make that fantasy come true-- for you both!
Perhaps you have a thing for ripping clothes off a gorgeous man. Yes, I know someone who has this fetish and I laugh at her all the time, because she had to learn how to sew to save money! But she would provide her SO with clothing that looked fantastic on him, but had velcro at the main seams, so when it came time, she would rip off pieces of the clothing at a time-- from the sleeves of the shirt to the pants. Oh yeah, you have to wonder at those women who go to see the Chippendales-- is it the men or the taking off the clothes that they're really there for?
Setting up a scenario for fetish play is simple as you want it to be and as complex as needed. If you are a lover of latex/rubber, you have a great choice in colours and textures of latex/rubber paints that peel off a body. All you need to do is lay down some tarp to protect surfaces and grab the paintbrushes! What if your lover has a need to be taken by a woman dressed in pirate gear-- then go by an outfit or sew one up and create your own Pirate Queen scenario! From the music to getting replica items from that time period, you can create something that truly showcases the fetish in such a way that you find yourself turned on by it.
Which comes to my next point-- even if you're not a fan of the fetish your lover has, give it a try. Why? Because you're helping make them happy and at the same time, you'll enjoy how your lover makes you feel. I have a lover who does enjoy a slight boot fetish, but you have to realize he's also an alpha submissive male. So, when we play and I wear my boots, I know that he's even more aroused and aware of everything I do because his gaze is focused on me and what I'm wearing. That he's wondering what I'll do next, if I'll demand him to kiss my boots or worse, taunt him with them and NOT let him touch them. (Yes, I can be that mean for a while-- if it serves my needs too!)
When you create a scenario, think on what you enjoy about the fetish the person is into and what you hope they recognize in your fetish as well. Talk to your partner about the scene and perhaps preplan a couple of things to make sure you both get what you want from playing in this manner. Whether it's popping balloons that gets you wet to stripping the clothes off his body while his hands are tied above his head, the idea here is that you both agree to fulfill each other's fetishes in such a way that the end result is sexual satisfaction for the both of you.
Remember- fetish is sexual arousal by seeing and occasionally touching an object or a non-sexual portion of the body. Encourage talking about your fetishes or at least what intrigues you-- by doing so, you'll add another layer of sexual and emotional closeness to your partner.
Until next week-- dream hot, talk dirty to your SO, and remember-- sex is not just physical-- it's also mental!
(continue reading &aquo;)