Welcome to the second installment of "Ask Mistress Cynnara" where I talk sex, how to do it well, how to learn more, and some of the things you can do with and without a partner. If you wish to ask me a question to answer each week, please feel free to email me at cynnara AT cynnara DOT com (you know the drill). This week's question is about anal play.
Mistress Cynnara, lately anal play has been getting more mentions, but no one talks about how to do it correctly. The last time my SO tried it on me, it hurt too much for me to enjoy. What aren't we doing right? --Anally Scared
Great question and more importantly, a topic that covers both men and women. Yes, men, you too can enjoy anal sex and see that there's more senses to be dazzled if you give it a try. But first, let's discuss what anal play consists of and how to properly prepare for anal intercourse.
Anal play consists of not just touching the outer aspect of your anus, but also in slowly penetrating the anus and lower rectal area with either a penis or with a dildo/vibrator. Notice the word "slowly". Many adults who've watched adult movies will often comment how quickly a penetration might occur. It can make those who are curious about anal play a bit unprepared for the reality of anal sex. Plus, when you consider how often the body eliminates waste, as a movie watcher, you must be curious on how that is dealt with. Otherwise, "Ewww."
So, what can we do to make anal play and intercourse more fun for us? Regardless of sex, enemas are a must. If you know that you're going to be trying anal that night, you want to begin with at least one or two enemas and remember to keep your eating to a minimum, making sure to do one last enema at least an hour or two prior to the planned fun. This will help keep down on the digestive waste entering that area, plus it'll give you a chance to finish going to the bathroom without running in there during playtime.
It doesn't matter if you use ready-made enema kits or if you have your own enema kit that allows you to use and reuse. If you're into anal, or if you're a man who loves strap-on play-- then you're going to want to get a reusable kit. It's a good investment at about $20 with various tips to help you. The one kit I highly recommend is one that's both a vaginal douche/enema kit. Having the various tips help selects which ones are most comfortable. This is an investment for your pleasure and it also helps with taking care of your body. So don't rule it out.
Now that we've covered enemas and when to use them, how do we learn how to relax those sphincter muscles? Well, again, it's toy time. Though you can use a condom covered finger or two, that's hard if you're trying to self-prepare for your lover. What kind of toys are best for learning the fine art of accepting anal intercourse? I have a two prong route I prefer- butt plugs and anal dildos. You can find a great selection at Adam and Eve. If you can afford an anal play kit, which normally comes with 3 sizes of butt plugs, please get that as it'll come in handy for a long time. If you can only afford a few pieces, I'd recommend at least one thin, about 3/4" thick, anal dildo or plug that you can slowly either sit down on or insert manually until you feel full. Then you want one that's a bit thicker and that vibrates. After that, you're going to want one that's approximately the size of your lover or that of your lover's strap-on, so you can work to accomodate that particular size.
One other item you're going to need and lot of--- Lubricant. This is not optional, but MANDATORY. Why? Anal tissues have no way of natural lubrication, which is why you must provide it. Women can orgasm and their juices can help with some lubrication, but unless you're part of the small percentage who comes copiously, you're still going to need lubrication. As for males, lubrication is standard. Males do not have any natural lubricant in that area, so lubrication is beyond important. You're going to use a lot of lubricant as you learn how to prepare yourself and some as you actually get into the act of anal sex itself. So, yes, buy the biggest container of lubricant you can afford. As for the debate on silicone or not--that I leave to you. There are benefits to both.
Another item you might want to get is a specially designed anal lube that also has an anesthetic. Usually it has a percentage of benzocaine to help numb the nerves, thus providing enjoyment and also allowing you to not feel so sore afterwards. There are some great ones out there, Anal-eaze, Anal Easy and more. Considering putting it on your adult shopping list. This will work well for more than just anal play. We'll discuss other uses as they come up in various topics. My male, Sinjin says this is a huge thing for males who enjoy anal play, because you will get sore during preparation and during play.
What if you can't afford any toys? Then, my friend, you're going to have to learn to contort a bit or perhaps see what items you have at your house that can be used-- and be only used for this purpose. (They can never again be used for anything else. Ever.) One of my friends did this with a set of wooden spoons with various thicknesses. She would cover the end with a condom, lubricate and use it to begin her learning process. But then she saved up and graduated herself to toys when she could.
Now let's get to the process of preparing yourself. You've done the enemas, you're feeling quite empty down in your rectum. Since your anal toys will be used only on you, then you can choose whether or not to use condoms on them. It makes cleanup easier, but do as you feel comfortable with. Lube the toy with a thicker layer of lubricant than you think you really need. (Trust me, you'll need that extra layer) Then what I normally recommend is also to lubricate your anal rosette with a good dollop or two of Anal Easy. There's a reason for why I recommend it on you, which will become apparent shortly.
Now if you're using butt plugs, you'll notice they have a wider base. This is so you can sit upon them, or use them with your hand to slowly insert them into your rectum. For anal dildos, you'll be doing it manually the entire time. This is why when it comes to training, I recommend the butt plugs first, the anal dildo once you get some experience. Slowly slide only the tip of the plug into your arsehole about one inch.
You will feel a slight pressure and burning at this moment. Do not remove the plug. Breathe in and out slowly, allowing your body to relax. When you feel comfortable at this point, inhale slowly, preparing yourself for the next stage. As you exhale, slowly insert the plug another inch or so as you also bear down slightly, as if you were having a bowel movement. Once you're in another inch, stop. Let your body get used to this sensation before you continue. Then you'll follow this entire procedure until you have fully inserted the plug or dildo or until you can't handle anymore. Some people can only handle a few inches, others discover they can accomodate 4-7 inches as long as its thin and they rest between increments.
Once you've hit that end point, now the fun begins. Fun? What fun? Just putting in the anal plug is part of the work at preparing yourself for intercourse, you still have to prepare yourself for the movements that accompany it. This is why a lot of lubrication is beneficial here. Slowly ease the plug out, inch by inch until only an inch or so remains within you. Then slowly ease the plug back in to the original inserted position. Continue this slow movment, inch by inch increments until your body seems to accept this slow motion of going in and out. Over a period of a few minutes, carefully increase the motion until it mimicks that of intercourse.
If you're using a plug that has a suction cup base, this is a great time for you. It frees up your hands to use to balance yourself to go up and down upon it. For those who are using it manually, use one hand to guide the plug in and out. What does the other hand do? Well if you're a female, you play with your clit. If you're male, play with your cock. The goal here is to stimulate the rest of your sexual areas so you begin associating anal play with pleasure.
How long you continue this is up to you, but I recommend at least 15 minutes of sliding the plug in and out, then also a period of 20 minutes of having the plug in place where you sit there with it within you and doing nothing but relaxing your body, accepting it.
Once your practice time is finished, slowly remove the plug. You might find it covered with scant remains of what didn't get removed by the enema. You also might feel an urge to have a bowel movement. Go to the bathroom at anytime you feel this overwhelming urge. Then restart the process. This is why I recommend using a condom on your toys..cleanup is much easier. But always clean and sterilize your plugs after play. This will help keep you healthy.
How often should you practice? For men, daily to every other day. Why? Men's bodies are a bit hesitant to accept that kind of penetration, even though they have their own G-spot right within their anus. Their pleasure spot is similar to that of a woman's--curve up slightly once you're in the anus and stroke. The sensations are beyond explosive, at least according to my male, who allows me the joy of pleasuring him in this way.
Women should practice at least every other day. I recommend this so you have some down time to allow your body to heal if you've been too hard on it. This also allows you a chance to do all the things you couldn't do for that half hour or so when you were learning more about your body. One hint for women, if you have a vibrator, insert this into your vagina first, turn it on and then do the anal plug. The sensations are wonderful and it can help make the experience more enjoyable.
Now that we've prepared, what do we do when the time comes. This is where I take your partners and caution them-- GO SLOW and LUBE! More damage is done by excited partners who don't remember to take their time and ease their way slowly and with a lot of lubrication. Also, condoms on partners are a MUST! If you plan to mix intercourse and anal play, you best be wearing a condom! If you're doing strap-on play for anal, then I'd still recommend a condom for the dildo, only because it makes play cleaner in the long run.
But lubricate, lubricate, lubricate! You can't ever have too much lubrication in that area. If your woman is being generous in learning this, you best have spent time pleasuring her orally or whatever best turns her on before proceeding with anal play. If your male is the one willing to try this, same principle applies, get him hard, get him aroused and lubricate heavily.
For a woman, prop pillows under her stomach so that her chest lies lower than her ass. For men, this position works as well as a side fetal position. Make sure to lube yourself, the dildo, any toy that is going to be used for this play. Then make sure to dab a good amount of Anal Easy onto the anal rosette. The reason for this is that it begins numbing the entrance, making it more enjoyable as you begin a very slow glide, stopping every inch or so within the ass. Once you're seated fully within her, wait. And wait some more until she tells you that she feels okay. Then slowly ease almost out, then slowly back in, this time making it a bit faster than the original entrance. Constantly ask her how she feels and what more she wants. If you're smart, this is when you'll amaze her with good clitoris play with your dexterous fingers. Though you might want to pound her ass just like you do her pussy, this first time is NOT that time. Remember that bearing down will help ease the transition, because it forces the sphincter muscles to open and relax, not clench tightly.
Women who use strap-ons- remember, you don't have sensations attached to the strap-on, so you can't gauge how tight, how adapted the male is, so ASK! Make sure you ask them before proceeding, so as to make the experience more enjoyable for you both. Keep control of your strap-on so that it doesn't do any damage. Have the male stroke his cock while you're inside of him. Let him tell you what he wants and if he's okay with every stroke you do. Again, it's his first time with having someone else there, so let him guide how he wants this.
Now what about those who are new and perhaps are curious on how to have anal play and haven't done this preparation work? Lubricant, fingers and about 20 minutes will help you that first time. Heavily lubricate two to three fingers of one hand and have the woman or man lay on their side or on their back, legs apart or on your shoulders. As you play with their genitalia, carefully ease one tip of one finger into the anus. Slowly rotate only this tip, slowly inching forward, stopping as he/she tightens up around you. Then once they're okay with one finger at least halfway in them, slowly add another finger. Again, go slowly, while continuing to pleasure them. Open the fingers, close them, cross them over. This helps to stretch the opening area and helps to prepare them for something bigger. When they feel relaxed, slide both fingers in deeper, continuing the opening and closing as you go past each section. Help them with remembering to bear down which helps the sphincter muscles to relax. Once you've gotten them use to your fingers sliding in and out of the ass, then you can slowly introduce your cock or dildo into the equation.
With proper preparation, whether it's alone or with a partner, you can have a great anal experience. The important points to remember is lubrication, slow movements and learning to relax when you feel that pressure within you. Most people rush into anal play because it looks so easy in adult movies, but they don't realize most of the actors have prepared themselves over time as well. So, go slow, enjoy the process, and most importantly, play safe and speak up when you need to.
Until next week, dream hot, play well, and enjoy life!
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