I had debated for a while on what to talk about when it came to sex, sexuality, and more. From toys to BDSM, I've either used it, done it, researched it, talked to people to know more about it. So, I decided with the help of some good friends that I should open up my Thursdays for weekly Sex Ed with Mistress Cynnara. This means that you can email me at cynnara AT cynnara DOT com (you know how to make the email work!) and ask anything about sex and sexuality. Be warned, the responses will be detailed, if possible, and quite blunt. So if you're squeamish or haven't experienced much sexually, you might be shocked.
So this week, we start with a question: What do you do if you have a higher sex drive than your husband? What can be done so I don't go insane with sexual need when he doesn't feel the same?
First thing you need to do is communicate with your Significant Other(SO). By talking about your sexual needs and his, you can establish some ideas that work for you both. This step is non-negotiable, even if you want to indulge in solo play, which I'll discuss as well. Why? Though men may masturbate more often than women, and granted many men will think that you're masturbating anyway, it's better to talk about this slight incongruity than to hide it. Over time it can become more unless you nip it in the bud. (Especially if you aren't into polyamory or menage.)
So, what's the first thing you do once you've talked to him?
Depending on his response, then we bring preparation into play. Do you have sex toys already? If so, then you're a step ahead of the game. Why? Because our first fun sexual release comes with using the toys on each other. If he's not in the mood, he might use the toy on you while he's telling you one of his fantasies, or you're telling him one of yours. Or if he's tired, have him sit in a chair while you masturbate with him watching. Tell him he can't touch you or himself while you pleasure yourself. See how long that lasts!
The toys also come into play if you both have cell phones or if only one of you does. (This works better if the cell has hands free capability.) Have him use the home phone or his cell to call you while you're in the bedroom naked. Once you answer, either you or he will start relating a fantasy while you masturbate to it. Though men love to hear a woman moan and groan, nothing beats seeing it in person. So even though he might be in the living room when you start, you can almost guarantee that he'll be in the bedroom for the big finale, or maybe joining in.
Another thing you both can engage in is mutual masturbation and some heavy petting, like you did back in the day. That means clitoral stimulation, perhaps some finger fucking, and some deep kissing. Go back to the dating days with those long hot kisses and the fear of someone discovering you. The goal here is to take the edge off your sexual frustrations and including him in on the process so you are both enjoying this.
But what if he's asleep on the couch and the kids are in bed for the night? Then it's time for solo play.
As I mentioned earlier, most men will already think that you're engaging solo when he's not around. So, take advantage of it. If you have toys, then please by all means-- use them. If you're new to sex toys, then there are a few you will want to consider, depending on which way you receive the most pleasure. Clitoral orgasms? Then go with a good quality, waterproof clitoral stimulator. The best one I ever got was from Adam and Eve (www.adameve.com) and to this day, I highly recommend it. (You can find it here.) What about if you're a vaginal type of girl? Then in your case, there are a variety of dildos, vibrators and more on the market for you. Do some research and give various ones a try until you find one that does the trick for you. I will say this-- those that vibrate do help you to achieve orgasms quicker than just plain dildos, but again, no one is the same, so find out what's best for you. That said, what about people like me, who can and do enjoy both types of orgasms? That's when the rabbit vibrator comes into play. It has a clitoris stimulator and a vibrator in one toy that does various levels of stimulation.
Remember, the idea here is to not forgo your own sexual needs, but to bring yourself and your SO together so both of you are satisfied sexually. By talking openly about your sexual needs, you allow him the chance to help you as well as eliminating any guilt you might feel for self indulging. It's rare to find two people who match up sexually at the same level with the same interests. But by talking it out and being willing to try new things, you might find other paths to pleasure that satisfy you both.
Until next week, may you have hot dreams, your desires fulfilled and happiness each and every day.
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